Tuesday, July 26, 2011
I pity on myself for being so stupid.
I don’t know how much I will live. This life is really beautiful and I am thankful to you papa and mommy because you have given me so much love which is amazing. No one can love me and accept me as you did. I am grateful to that god because you are with me. I know papa that you love me and you have given me every facility and you played the role of mommy too and that was excellent. I know I am bad and I don’t deserve so much love and comfort. I hate myself because I am useless. I never did anything great. I was always an average student and I still hate lots of things about me which cannot be corrected.
I pity on myself for being so stupid. Everyday I promise myself that I will change myself but I cannot, I tried and I am still trying. I want to become a better human being and I want my life back. The mistakes I did are disastrous and I am still paying its returns. I know you have seen so much troubles and problems and most of the time I was the reason and I am sorry for that. Sorry is just a small word. I don’t know what should I do to correct myself completely? I wanted to die but I guess that is not the solution. You wanted a child that can make you feel proud but I didn’t do anything like that which can make you proud. My life is really complicated and the stage through which I am going is not a very nice stage. Today my life is acting like a pumpkin lying on the nib of a knife. I always wanted a beautiful life like we see in movies. Damn the movie makers show so much fantasy that anyone can get crazy and yes I am crazy because I imagine that life. I don’t need anything except love because love has power to heal pain and I know that. I hope some day some one will love me. But why some one will love me? I don’t look attractive , I am dumb , I am not rich , I am ordinary , I don’t have anything to offer and it’s a fact. Today love is purchased and exchange of love takes place only on the bank balance. I don’t know how to impress anyone.
I am a total psycho and my friends make fun of me. They must be saying that Pulkit is so stupid. I know they are blessed with the power that orders them to make fun of me. Sometimes I feel pathetic because I am imperfect. My mouth is full of stones and there mouth is full of gems. Jealousy makes me insane and I get jealous easily because I am helpless and hopeless. The impurities which I am carrying are anger, lust, jealousy, vanity and ego. I want to remove these impurities as soon as possible.