Saturday, June 18, 2011


I don’t know much about happiness as I have always seen pain in my life and that pain is really affecting my health and me in every way. I don’t know what people think when they see me.

I don’t know what they say behind my back and what they gossip about. I was never interested in someone else business because life never allowed me any pleasure. My life is divided into parts and every time when I finish one role, I get new role.

I know I am exhausted but I am not the only one who is crying. The world is crying, everyone has problems and may be my problems are nothing in front of there problems. I had hard time and I am still dealing with the issues but I guess life is full of ups and downs.

I don’t know from where I got this positive thought. Today I saw some of my classmates talking and laughing and enjoying. There faces were carefree and there was a kind of sharpness and brightness on there faces which tell that this is youth and in general seconds I compared myself and I felt like an old person. I am mature but I guess it’s too early.

I still regret at some point because I don’t know how to smile or how to enjoy like any normal guy of my age. My circumstances have affected me mentally and physically and besides trying thousand times I don’t feel and I don’t like to enjoy. I hate my life and whenever I see anyone talking or gossiping, it feels like they are talking about me or they are laughing at me.

I am feeling so weird. I feel bad and shameful when I see myself in the mirror and when I see my weakness and my imperfect life , I cry from the bottom of my heart. There is no hope for me and I know that but I don’t know why some times some people give signals that there can be hope and things and life can become favorable too. Well that positive thoughts remains with me for a shorter span of time and again I adjust myself and jumble myself in negative ambience.

I feel like I am different from others and every time there is some look people give me that really make me feel sick. May be its me , I know people are busy in there own affairs and no body has time to understand anyone else but my negative thinking forces me to step back and today I am at a stage when I hesitate .

I hesitate a lot and I don’t feel to talk or to mix with other people. I feel that they do not like me or may be they think I am a freak .well some times I act stupid and I admit that but I don’t know why this thought troubles me every time. I feel that they do not like to see me and my presence irritates them. I don’t know why I feel like this? May be I am right and may be it’s my negative thought.

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