Sunday, May 8, 2011

I am still in there hate list ( must read for my enemies)

Sometimes I am happy and sometimes I am sad and that’s why I am extrovert many times and introvert many times. This change in behavior happens all the time. It’s like a disease. Life has been so much unfair to me that I feel ashamed of myself. I hate my life at fullest but I still love some parts of my life which makes me feel proud but if I see overall it’s like passing on margin.

When people ask me about my life I say “It’s complicated” and that’s what it is. It is complicated and the reality is that I don’t know about my life and I don’t know the right ways to handle it properly.

I see myself in the mirror everyday and everyday this same question comes to my mind. “What the hell I am doing?” I don’t know I regret a lot. From small to big decisions things generally turn out to be negative for me. Maybe it’s me or may be the time is unfavorable.

It goes like that. I asked for friends, I got enemies. I asked for loving relatives, I got jealous backstabbing well wishers. I asked for help, I got dumped. I asked for love, I got the answer “you are not my type”. I asked for work, I got insulted. I asked for food, I got a label of being desperate. I guess I am the biggest loser and everyone hates me. I don’t know the reason but whenever I see people talking and laughing, it feels like that they are talking about me and they are laughing at me. I know it’s not true but it looks so close to reality.

I have been back stabbed very nicely and it’s like a regular thing now. People come in my life, at start they are nice, some are very nice but later they kick me out from there lives and they hate me so much that they cannot tolerate my presence. The way they look at me, it’s terrible and I feel like a shit whenever they ignore me. They treat me like a nobody, like I am invisible.

I am also a human and like others I also have problems and issues and I have this tendency to do mistakes and its so normal as we all are humans and we are not perfect. But they judge me . I still remember the day when I was in the party and no one was talking to me. All my friends were busy in themselves and I was like a stranger standing in corner waiting for there one look but nobody felt anything. Actually nobody cared but I am stupid that I feel bad when they boycott me. I should feel normal and okay but its hard to feel okay as loneliness is the most dangerous thing in the world and I cannot live with it.

I don’t know about the differences but I guess still I am in the “ HATE LIST” and will be there forever and I guess I will never get a chance to be with them as friend or anything. Damn I guess I am bad and I don’t blame them for being so cold, I blame myself for being so stupid.

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